Attempt #89324572

You are too lovely for words. I've tried a few times, to write something even remotely adequate but nothing seemed to flow. It all sounded so trite and to be frank silly. After countless partial attempts I've realized I can't capture it. I can't capture you or how you make me feel. Every word is subpar. How can I explain the phenomena that occurs inside me when I'm seconds away from seeing your face after that seven hour drive? Or how amazing, spectacular, truly wonderful it feels to hold you in my arms as we lie on the couch watching another ABC Family Harry Potter weekend? The reality is when I sit down to write there are too many emotions, too many memories to pick from. I get happily lost in them and lose focus. I might never finish a love poem for you. The alternate is enjoyable and with my attention span we know thats a troublesome combo. I simply, and to take a legendary word from Mr. Darcy and Ms. Austen, ardently love you.

Nothing can sum

I declared once, after a time that we broke up, that I was never going to fully let you into my heart again. Time after time I tried and failed. Eventually I gave up. I loved loving you. It seemed, like rugby, something I was made for. That was until September 2010. When it happened that time, something in me changed. I didn't realize it at the time and so when we seemed on the verge of another great reconciliation, it happened. During our time off I let someone else into my heart, ensuring without my knowledge that your complete control over it was lost. I unwittingly let her hold expand, she was able to calm my doubts and fears that have since September been lurking in my thoughts.

We tried to come together again, making promises, looking forward, again trying to divine a future where both of us fit. But my heart wouldn't let me. It hurt to let you in all the way again, and thus I hurt you. There was nothing good about it. It was messy and I'm sorry, I wished I could have figured it out sooner but I'm still figuring it out. I hurt you because I couldn't love you the way I once did. With no self-preservation, on the edge of recklessness that only the young and foolhardy can maintain.

This time, perhaps the most critical time. I just couldn't do it again. I fret, I worry but as you said, its not my place and never will be again. I truly am sorry.

Ignorance

Dear CCF Studs,

No I will not pray with you. I am intolerant of your ignorance. If your poor sportsmanship wasn't enough you choose to press upon us your religion? I'm agnostic, with a philosophy of kindness and acceptance. Thanks for taking my beliefs into consideration. Everyone knows you pray before and after every game. If we wanted to join we would ask. Next time take off your blinders. Would you take part of a prayer with my Jewish teammate? No, no you would not and you would not appreciate her asking you to.

Walk a mile.

Bear

Post Script:

"Religion is like a penis.
It's fine to have one.
It's fine to be proud of it.
But please don't whip it out in public and start waving it around,
And PLEASE don't try to shove it down my children's throats."

Truth.

Two Quotes

I found these two quotes in my moleskin, which I rediscovered the other day. They are nice to ponder.

"When faced with two choices, simply toss a coin. It works not because it settle the question for you, but because in that brief moment when the coin is in the air, you suddenly know what you are hoping for."

and

"You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before, she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She's not perfect, you aren't either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her she knows you can break - her heart. So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze and don't expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she's not there." - Bob Marley

I AM SETH COHEN

'Nuff said.

Living backwards and blind

Why do I feel so upside down? Words are hard to come by. I wish there was someone, who I could just transfer my emotion and thoughts and even more importantly my non-thoughts into, and they could tell me which way is up. Its really those non-thoughts that are the problem, cause I could tell you about my emotions if my filters were turned off, and of course I can relay my thoughts (stream of consciousness isn't only for Virginia Woolf). Non-thoughts though, they linger on the fringe of my mind, dipping a toe in and leaving only a trace when I'm at the other side of my consciousness. Perhaps is my id testing the waters for a coup and all I can find are leftover remnants of excitement, or worse maybe its my super ego spying in leaving footprints of anxiety that feel really no different than excitement for now. All I really know is that these non-thoughts are unnerving. How can my mind be so blank yet not? A conclusion seems impossible.

Lost

Sometimes, when I want to write, I can't string two words together. Other times, such as when I can't find a pen, paper, computer, hell my cell phone, the most artful combinations dance around in my head wishing to spill over. And I try so hard to remember, to remember the order, the words, the flow. Sometimes I end up finding the tools, but most of the times the wondrous works slip a away slowly until all I can remember are the first few words. I have to ponder, do all of the greatest works get lost like this? Are we just left with the good works of the greatest word masters? Their true genius just bitter memories of what could have been?