Living backwards and blind

Why do I feel so upside down? Words are hard to come by. I wish there was someone, who I could just transfer my emotion and thoughts and even more importantly my non-thoughts into, and they could tell me which way is up. Its really those non-thoughts that are the problem, cause I could tell you about my emotions if my filters were turned off, and of course I can relay my thoughts (stream of consciousness isn't only for Virginia Woolf). Non-thoughts though, they linger on the fringe of my mind, dipping a toe in and leaving only a trace when I'm at the other side of my consciousness. Perhaps is my id testing the waters for a coup and all I can find are leftover remnants of excitement, or worse maybe its my super ego spying in leaving footprints of anxiety that feel really no different than excitement for now. All I really know is that these non-thoughts are unnerving. How can my mind be so blank yet not? A conclusion seems impossible.