I declared once, after a time that we broke up, that I was never going to fully let you into my heart again. Time after time I tried and failed. Eventually I gave up. I loved loving you. It seemed, like rugby, something I was made for. That was until September 2010. When it happened that time, something in me changed. I didn't realize it at the time and so when we seemed on the verge of another great reconciliation, it happened. During our time off I let someone else into my heart, ensuring without my knowledge that your complete control over it was lost. I unwittingly let her hold expand, she was able to calm my doubts and fears that have since September been lurking in my thoughts.
We tried to come together again, making promises, looking forward, again trying to divine a future where both of us fit. But my heart wouldn't let me. It hurt to let you in all the way again, and thus I hurt you. There was nothing good about it. It was messy and I'm sorry, I wished I could have figured it out sooner but I'm still figuring it out. I hurt you because I couldn't love you the way I once did. With no self-preservation, on the edge of recklessness that only the young and foolhardy can maintain.
This time, perhaps the most critical time. I just couldn't do it again. I fret, I worry but as you said, its not my place and never will be again. I truly am sorry.
